Reebok Pumps

Hipsters, it’s praise time. I’ve been a sneaker-head my whole life, ever since I had to convince my mom that my feet had grown out of the one pair of sneakers she would buy me. She probably thought I had weird mutant feet that would end up a size 20. But I digress.

It would be unfair to fully credit hipsters with bringing back the Pumps

 

but they played a big role. These look fly with shorts and a frat tank, or with jeans and a graphic tee. Hipsters might prefer skinny jeans and a flannel, but whatever. Plus they’re damn comfortable. High tops have been big for a while and this post is overdue, but it was time for a shout out. Pick up a pair of pumps and get your sneaker game right. I’m out.

The DEEP V

The v-neck t-shirt. Originally created to allow businessmen to unbutton the top button and loosen the tie without showing their undershirt.I see you Don.

I rock the moderate V, but it can get a little extreme, like when the V actually goes past your chest Dude we get it, you have little wisps of jet-black chest hair on your pale emaciated chest, you don’t gotta shout it from a mountain top. Plus you clearly stole that from your sister’s closet .And she looks great in it, but you don’t.

Cut-Off Jean Shorts Over Tights

I can’t even really describe why I don’t like this.  Off the top of my head, it’s probably because the tights just seem unnecessary, and I assume any girl who wears tights without reason is just trying to hide the fact that she hasn’t shaved in a week. Then my brain goes on a tangent and I get grossed out by unshaved legs.So save me the disturbing psychological runaround, hipsters.

Assertions I Have Made So Far About Hipster Nation

So here is a quick run-through of some facts I believe to be true about hipster nation, based upon my posts. More facts to come later, but here are a few:

1. 1st Hipster Fashion Commandment: Thou shalt spend an unreasonable amount of time, effort, and money to look poor and like you spent no time, effort, or money.
2. Hipsters perpetually rip off Steve Urkel‘s style sense.
3. Hipsters are responsible for the resurrection of both Ray-Ban Wayfarers and skinny jeans
4. Irony. Yeah.
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon is an acceptable accessory for the hipster outfit, and the official beverage sponsor of Hipster Nation.
6. “Hipster” will soon be an accepted gender and political party.
7. Hipsters constantly try to emulate the style of their grandparents.
8. In general, if someone calls you a hipster and you get offended, you’re a hipster.
9. Hipsters are perpetually self-conscious, trying to be unique but only within the bounds of sameness.
10. Hipsters are attempting to steal preppy WASPy style and make it their own.
11. There is an ongoing partnership between hipsters and Al-Qaeda.

Star Tattoos

This one is striking. Hipsters are permanently etching similar ink into their skin. I didn’t notice it at first, but as soon as I noticed the trend it seemed to pop up repeatedly. I’ve seen hipsters with single stars, multiple stars, nautical stars, and even asterisks (wtf right?). The most popular place is of course the wrist. You might argue and say that this is not a hipster trend, but that star tats are just popular, but I offer you this anecdote: I know a girl for whom I can pinpoint the exact moment at which she made the transition from girl who wears Juicy and Abercrombie to hipsterdom. What was her first act as a member of hipster nation? She got a star tattooed on her wrist. WEIRD.

Don’t get me wrong, I love tattoos. I have a rather large one myself. But something strikes me as a little off when a certain tattoo indicates one’s fashion affiliation. I mean, a cardigan you can take off and a Captain Hook moustache you can shave, but tattoos…that shit is permanent.

By all means do what you want hipsters, but someday you’re going to wake up and realize that half the world has the same “unique” tattoo as you do. Sucks for you.

The Keffiyeh

Yeah I didn’t know what the hell that was when I read it either, don’t worry. But it’s the scarf-like things you see hipsters don on the daily. They look totally artsy and match your equestrian boots, but as it turns out, they are religious scarves worn by Arabs and Persians. Look kinda familiar but can’t quite place it? Here, let me help you. Clear evidence of an alliance between hipsters and Al-Qaeda.

Mismatched Earrings

Earrings are sold in pairs for a reason. One should not mix-and-match them. Wearing one normal earring and one that you made yourself in modern art class, contrary to increasingly popular belief, does not make you look deep and artsy. It makes you look like you didn’t have enough time to get dressed this morning. Or, even better, it makes it look like you were absent on the day your mother taught you and your siblings to get dressed all by yourself like big kids.

Wear matching earrings and make Mom feel like she did a good job raising you. Otherwise you’re just disrespecting mothers everywhere, and that’s a dick move.